The time is: 8:30am, Sunday, January 24, 2021 … its 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside. Currently inside my basement apartment on my laptop using the broadband internet by Xfinity to live my LIE. Made a post this morning on Facebook called, "SUNDAY FUN DAY" is say, lets keep it that way, as I surely am misunderstand the meaning of life from my pity party inside my head.
"NOTE: THESE PICTURES I AM SUPPLYING ARE FROM THE BOX IN THE ATTIC WITH DUST" metaphorically speaking :)
Well to say the least I woke with no daemons haunting me and I wasn't struggling to find a normal emotion I can go by. Enjoying some coffee and listening to some tunes on my music playlist. Of course I have a cigarette in my mouth that I am puffing on, and its almost all of the time... boy do I enjoy my smokes, way too much to be honest. So here I am! All cozy inside my heated apartment pretending like nothing is wrong with world outside and inside of my existence. Ya I am feeling ok I guess all is well on the waters today; no storms to report, ripping apart my soul inside and out . But as I know and everybody else knows it doesn't last long … 15 minutes of fame moving at the speed of light is not much to talk about and let me tell you it isn't anything to be proud about either. Since I started blogging again, I noticed I use the word "I" a lot ! Why do I always write about myself and I see myself using "I" a lot . Selfish of me! To always make it about me? but what choice do I have for I am Inside my head with no way out but death. I want to count how many times I use the word "I" in one of my blogs. i probably wont but I still think its selfish of me! To always talk about me and only me like this. There are others out there! In this world of mine. Should I wake and find myself talking about someone else I ask ? have I ever done this?> No, I have not! I have not seen myself talk or right about someone else's life? so lets put my money where my mouth is ….
My parents are doing well. I seem to find myself relying on them more and more in the present time, only to find myself stuck in the same situation to where I started. My mother Donna Sullivan, is one crazy house wife born and raised from the 1960's. She still listens to Elvis and the hit songs from her childhood. But Elvis? Elvis has been out of the picture for some time now! but ok; I'll let it be. We upgraded my moms way of using technology; she now has Amazon Alexa and loves to buy things on Amazon. She has a smart phone where she video chats with us over some messaging program that we signed her up with. Has life really evolved that much throughout these hundred years, I ask. We are more inside of our heads, with ways of communicating that make life a lot easier. and more difficult. hard to say! We move faster too, the world moves a lot faster too. My mother cleans the house every morning and also does a deeper cleaning on Saturday mornings. I always knew her as a "clean freak". She cooks like a crazy witch, witness way too many times her cooking up hurricanes metaphorically speaking. From what I was told my mother fell off her bike as a child of 7 or 8 or something of that nature and she was put in the hospital for a few moths due to brain damage she encountered. Not sure if that accident had something to do with who she is now? I wonder? but she loves to buy things and spend money she doesn't have.
My father Daniel Sullivan can't stand to be with her for too long. I think he wants out! but let me tell you she cooks for him and he loves it. My father repairs the house and my mother cleans it. they make a good team. They have there good days and bad days just like everyone else. They were Married for quite a few decades, never divorced, had some problems but stuck it out. They made it this far, I don't' see them splitting up now after all they invested all this time together. Till death do they part I assume. Just a normal second class citizens from my perspective.
As I have mentioned I am trying to write about someone other than myself today because I believe its selfish! to use this many "I's" in my blogs.
I Have a twin brother; Ryan Sullivan and a sister in-law Ashley Velosky . They are Currently residing in Worcester Massachusetts. As they are pretty self efficient, from what I can tell. They make their own money and survive all by themselves. They have an offspring named Luca who is almost 2 years old at the end of May. They got their problems too, but I mean who doesn't? I could say some good things and some bad things about them, but I surely don't have the patients for that right now, nor am I in any position to judge someone else but myself!
I have a sister; Erin Sullivan and a brother in-law Kenny Lambert. Erin took his last name after they got married some time ago. She now goes by Erin Lambert. She is a nurse and is an upper middle class citizen. She loves working for the Medical Industry and they pay her well so she can live comfortably. Erin and Kenny have an offspring named Christian Lambert. He is at the age of 6 or near that age. They are what I like to call people like them a "Disney Family". I am not going to elaborate any more. For I am in no position to judge any one but myself.
I have a deceased Sister who passed in 2008 or somewhere near that time; named Kelly Sullivan. The time she passed was a very struggling and difficult time for myself. Looking back in my memory I recall that time was a very tragic time for me and the death of my sister was the cherry on top of all that was happening at the time for me. To this date I believe she is the one alive, and I am the one who is dead. I still think she is alive out there some where. She departed and it seems like I was the one stuck here inside a dream or a nightmare. She left a daughter; Madison Bennet as she took her fathers last name with her. I don't believe I was able to witness Kelly married her daughters father; Dan Bennet. So my niece is what is left of her memory I guess. She is modern child, born some where near 2006 or so. She is a "millennial" Madison is a normal child and I try to look out for her and keep in contact with her but at the age she is at, it is a difficult time for her and it won't stop until she matures more.
My grandmother: Rose Pepper was my mothers mother. She held a significant importance on my childhood memories. She passed in 2014 at the age of 78 from Cancer complications. She was my grandmother! Who I always escaped too. When I wanted out of the little house that my family all resided in I ran to her house. she offered me good memories , good food, and love that my mother couldn't offer. Boy she was my escape from reality as well. she also bailed me out of difficult times that I needed help with. I mean grandmas are known to spoil their grandchildren and that's exactly what she did. with her passing I was in a better place than i was 5 or 7 years ago. But saying good bye came easier than I thought it would be. From the present i still believe her and Kelly are living some where else in someone else memory alive and well... Death is a difficult thing to deal with, especially when death happens to yourself. Rose Pepper was my grandmother and she too loved me unconditionally in which my mother could not do!
There are so many more details and memories that still I hold dearly that I have yet to talk about. I am finding myself unable to articulate all the small details that haunt me. As I am proof reading this blog and making grammatical corrections I can't help but feel like a:
"sell out!"
"The Memory is being sold!"
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