Woke up in so much pain this morning. It seems to be every morning I have to resurrect myself from my bed. Awake myself from the void of a dark abyss. so many voices in my head pull me in all different directions. feeling like "I am not alone." feeling like "its all my fault" . Feeling Like " its not easy nor will it ever be." to just exist and raise yourself from the bed seems as if this chore and or deed can be avoided. Why I ask do I sit here staring at a computer screen sifting through my every day feelings. I ask? Am I holding on and grasping on to tight? to the way I think I should be? Should I let go? should I just sit here and let the voices consume me. and let me tell you as I will be 36 in May, the voices are consuming me very slowly. The way I think I should exist is not real just a pre-thought of my reality. Last night I was so burned out by my own mind that I started to see some shadows in the corner of my vision. I feel this and all this is going to just be getting worse as time slips by. I posted on Facebook that I am so far up my ass that its not even funny any more.... and that's where I am, SO FAR UP MY ASS! Now that I got these words out of my mind I feel a little better.. as if I can communicate to someone who understands me when really its just me myself and I at this moment.
The time is January 17, 2021, 8 am in the morning. my coffee is poured and I am sitting here listening to Sirius xm on my head phones. I ask with all these questions waiting to jump to the front of my mind in a split second. where do I go from here? doi just sit in idle; awaiting my predetermined destiny. that's it; my predetermined destiny that we all have written within the skies of our own minds.
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