The Time is: 3am, March 17, 2021
Monday I got the first dose of the vaccine for covid-19 . So far no problems. They say dose 2 is the one that has side effects more so than the first. I can only hope. All I can think about is having genetically engineered cells being pushed into my body and start to analyze my body and work as if its an app on your phone. Will this vaccine give someone or something the power to liquidate my entire cell structure if so be it.. who knows? I eat genetically engineered foods all the time, the vaccine is just smart like a new smart tv or a new app that protects your phone from viruses the question is how much access am I giving away to the government. It would seem I am letting people and or things take over my body way to easy. Yes! I am making it easy for them. Why? I am not sure ? Any ways, that is set in motion. I like to pretend this vaccine will fight off satanic creatures from fucking with my soul and or mind. if only it was true. It would seem i still have to fight my own biblical battles myself.
My mind frame lately seems as though I am living a life of a person in diapers. I've been going to bed no later than 9pm which to say the least is for babies and 80 year old people. Had some beer last night haven't drank for a week or so and I was craving some kind of liquor. The beer to say the least really didn't do any justice for me. It just makes me bloated in my stomach and I get a little giggly. woo!
The cat is doing well just trying to find a good food for him that is in my budget and something that he would eat and likes. Waiting on some money so I can go shopping on amazon for stuff I need. but since I have a trustee controlling my disability income I don't have enough money to go shopping.. if it wasn't for my mother who seems to get me by when I am left high and dry financial. She bought me a pack of smokes the other day boy did I have to beg like a fool on the streets dancing like a clown trying to get some money out of the crowd gathering around me. I feel so stupid . The next day I borrowed 20 dollars from my neighbors boyfriend like I said I feel like some kind of fool asking for money like some kind of retarded clown. Of course I will pay him back when I actually get some cash .. but when? when will I leave limbo?
My home health care nurse has been seeing me non stop 🛑 every day it would seem like I am his meal ticket cause he won't seem to let me go. there must be some reason why he is keeping me. I truly feel like it has to do with money, but the question is, isn't money always the stem of any mental transaction? I don't trust him for some reason, there is just an underlying suspicion in the air that I don't trust. I've been taking my pills every day and I am not on much, but I am on some psych meds antidepressants, paranoia meds. With all this said I would have to say that, I am more than one person's meal ticket here... there are others who seems to reaping the benefits of my existence. Thats just it, I am just existing . I am a animal living off the land grazing off the land it would seem.
I've been depressed only when I am broke ass poor . A shame money is the root of all mental illnesses … such a shame. I've been staying inside more and more these days it would seem I am coming of age. Waking up in this world, wear the Devil sits on his thrown making loud noises and God and heaven is silent. The Devil makes more noise in this place than God does. but I tell you I too sin, not every day but I do sin. I am in a place where sinners go. As a homosexual male with a deep depression who sins on the weekends it would seem I am right where I need to be.. with the sinners . I'll tell you the year is 2021 and heaven is all about money ! if you got non .. you ain't going there.. thats for sure! death is always on my mind, will I be able to bite the dust? and cross over and keep my consciousness. thats the real question, will I be able to keep my consciousness? I don't think it works that way, as time ticks away.
I am finding as I get older its hard for me to keep on a steady track and grow with this climate that is outside of my door. ya we got good days but we got bad days too... how nice it would be to have a climate that is capable of supporting human life mentally and physically. I am not using the weather as my excuse for the wrong choices I made in my life I am just saying it would be nice to wake every day to a morning sun and temperature of 70 degrees … funny most of those climates that America has are too expansive to live in. I am thinking more so California north of L.A. 6 hours or so... these new England winters aren't the worst but yet they aren't the best. no room for growth what so ever!
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