So I haven't made a post in about 6 months or so. I figured I get some words out on this blog-site this morning. Things for the most part have been pretty steady. somedays though it seems like the waters are pretty damn ruff and I won't survive the next day. Then there is a day I miraculously survive the storm and end up at my computer staring right into space and time as usual, playing video games and socializing and trying to challenge my mind into an engineering dilemma with me/myself/ and I. Lately my feelings are as such, (#asoultosqueeze) Someone or something wants my soul. It's ironic cause everyday I give away a portion of my soul into the cloud of the people. A part of me is and will be left behind. but i still am propelling my existence through time and space at this destination. still swimming so it seems. in one spot. My hometown where i was born and raised. Reflecting as a 36 year old adult I am finding myself lost among the crowd, soul searching through the internet , but the real question is, who isn't? some new people have walked into my life, such as Jackie a distant relative. She if "fun" and likes to stay that way. She carries the peter pan trait with her but nevertheless i am enjoying our developing friendship. nothing too crazy though. living a normal life highly medicated, pill popping 💊 ... but if that is the way it needs to be for me to survive the storm , than so be it. that's how i see it. my delusions have seem to be under control for the most part; it gets really difficult when i am living inside my head on a notion of a fantasy but reality settles in and i am finding myself thrusted through space and time jaded and unidentifiable. I picked up a opioid addiction over the years. since covid has taken over our way of life things haven't gotten worse. well i would have to say throughout my entire life i always popped pills my favorite was an opioid . One thing lead to another and I am seeking help at an opioid clinic. Being prescribed suboxone for the addiction management,on top of the psychological medications i am on for depression , paranoia , and delusional thinking process. but at some point with all this said .. i come together in one piece . lightly and softly spoken i am growing into my body and every day feeling a little bit more comfortable with what i become. i fear when i eventually wake up and see that i have no time left it will be too late to make changes and or alter tomorrow.
No one Cares.
Ya i am 36 year old cis gay male but i can't help but feel like part of me is female.. am I non-binary or am i "cisgender" i can't figure it out. time will tell is what i always say. i'll talk more about this at another time but right now i am going to end this post and maybe tomorrow i'll be in the mood for another post.
my cat Jasper keeps me company and is helping me feel less lonely.
truly ;)
kyle sullivan
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