Its been a few months since I posted on "blog". The winter is coming to an end and spring is marching in forward towards its destination to the center of the earth. I am still on some medications which need to be supervised . meaning i can't do it alone by the help of the local state department i am becoming a solid person. which means i am highly supervised by outside agencies from the state dep. which fucking suck balls. some days i just need to close my door and shoo everybody out of my living space and even though I am able to come to terms with the disposition I am in I can't help but feel like an imposter, a lie, a clone, a fake, and nobody that gets spit on everyday of my life. the television just mimics my situation and makes its seem much worse so I try to stick to cartoons . Nevertheless here I am making yet another post on this date in time and history and space. I further am finding that I really have been hard on myself for the most part . never giving myself the benefit of the doubt and always surrendering my feelings to someone else's. even though it seems like my soul is neither mine nor anyone else's just in purgatory awaiting its destination. which I stand corrected and at the mercy of some ones else's situation I further my understanding of how I fit into this world.
to be continued !...
I keep changing and the more i change the less I feel!
ok i am editing the post to insert some more of my "feelings" into this digital blog . so any ways i found my day to be some what exciting and yet a little confusing at the same time... the people in my life seem to be arranging a fate that I will not be able to understand . yet i have no control over the people who are in my life and what there is a simple situation over my head kind of thing. none sense, so I sit here typing out my feelings for only me myself and I to truly understand!
the cigarettes are becoming a problem for me I am smoking with out evening realizing that I am smoking one … the addictions is out of control. its awful I NEED TO SLOW MY ROLE .! I DON'T WANT TO QUITE BUT I really need to cut down or at least not smoke as much! gain control over again! of my life! what ever i am just grazing off the land like livestock on a plantation ! yuck how pathetic how i could allowed this to happen.. I am going to be one sorry ass hole when cancer comes knocking on my door! a song on the radio says "save your tears for another day" i think they are directly telling me don't cry now but cry when its too late and i am too far gone to even do anything about it! the time is now to act and I sit here on my ass totally washed away from the current . I am not acting on any good things. way too late to do something about it NOW and here i sit here thinking that i actually have a chance! a chance at a life .. my legs were broken and ripped off from day one! and yet here i sit here thinking that i still have chance.!!!! wow how unfortunate for someone who doesn't even know how fucked i am to truly sit here and listen to the trees talking about my destiny . and now i know it was you who had a problem with me since day one... not even a chance in hell to be found . i dug my own grave and you watched me kill myself slowly u didn't have to kill me i did it to myself... how convenient it was for the dirty work to be done by me the one your trying to kill! how convenient is all i am going to say! how fucking convenient!
i have been put through a key hole only to be put into a million pieces of Kyle divided and self destructed into a million little pieces … what ever i sit here and wonder what you would of done … with this curse laid upon you at your feet biting you on your side where the kidneys sit here and u so tragically most conveniently take what you think is yours... i dug my own grave only to be put down like a dog because that was convenient for you!
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