Just found out my aunt past away

     Well u know my mom tells me on the phone today aunt Paula killed her self, drugs and a bag over her head.  death is never easy for me to understand . is there an after life? where do u go ? does that mean she goes to hell cause she committed suicide ? she was such a pretty woman for her age and very delicate . i can't imagine her being sent to hell... u know  … and not only that how selfish is it to commit suicide ... she struggled a lot with Alzheimer's disease and its a shame she thought it was the end of the world because she had this disease but taking her life away is not the right choice it was gods decision not hers.. and thats how I feel about that... but u know my cousin his mom must be a wreck... i sent him a message saying that I love him and if he needs to reach out to me he knows where I live... u know.. but at the same time I just can't believe she felt like she needed to take her life only because she had this disease... well I am going to bed... all i can think about really is seeing some guy on tic tok talk about cia mind control and it really is freaking me out a little ! and then finding this shit out! its like what the fuck ! i mean i know who i am do i really need some guy talking about how he is a super wizard backed by the military and he can scramble your brains if he wants to ... scary to think about that shit and then finding out my aunt killed herself it just the icing on the cake … I called my dad and said dad can i have 10 dollars for smokes he said no and then said why did u have that mechanic take ur bike to have it get fixed ur going to pay now for it! what ever the fuck that means. and here i am just trying to make sense of all this shit and nonsense that is some how building up towards me ... o gosh may she rest in peace even though not sure where her soul will go because she committed suicided but then is there even a hell or heaven or is it just lights out? I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THE UKNOWN AND YET I AM STRUGGLING AND TRYING WAY TO HARD TO EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE BIG PICTURE.... REST IN PEACE AUNT PAULA U ARE LOVED!

-KYLE 

The Spring Egg!

        The time is 5:45am March28, 2021 . 

Spring has arrived at our door steps and now I am feeling a sigh of relief for having to be able to use the "outside" as my escape again.  I truly do need some kind of day off or 3 days . Just to get away and realize how good I have it where I am now... its hard sometimes to see what you got unless you are looking in from the outside! The Mechanic who fixes my scooter came by and picked up the scooter and brought it back with him to get fixed. To even think I might endure the freedom of the road again is also a sigh of relief. Also it seems "to good" to be true almost a trap it seems. I guess that is my paranoia speaking again. I would have to say I am growing mentally and coming to terms with my lifestyle and choices that I have made throughout my life. I've been on Facebook during my down time and I find myself trying real hard to understand and interpret the acceptance of what is on my plate that it may be bad or good. Almost finding myself trying way too hard at times... do I try to hard? I ask? that is something I am going to have to work out throughout my time here on earth or what ever godforsaken planet or universe I am on or in. 

    Physically I am going through some kind of constipation or crones disease that is effecting my gut or my large and or small intestines . maybe I am exaggerating the situation but I am putting more food in my mouth and less is coming out of the other end . That seems to bother me much. That the same amount of matter should be coming out of my other end but its not. I am eating and I am morbidly obese so I consume a lot of food and yet I am hardly shitting that same matter out of my ass. I ask? where the fuck is all that matter going? 

    All my Social security rat friends are all talking about the government stimulus check coming in. I am truly not going to put all my eggs in one basket if you know what I mean. I don't want to built myself up for a 1400 dollar check coming in and then something goes wrong and I end up never getting it.. I truly hope I do get it, but its in someone else's hands at this point in the game. Its weird how the authority always seems to find ways to control its sheep. the things I had to go through to allow even a simple action to be acceptable by the higher ups. its quite difficult to explain in an English language so it seems. even though I only know one language I find it even hard to describe what I am feeling with the only one language I am allowed or capable of using.  pish posh  :p 

    Any ways spring is hear and the trees and birds are all coming back to life on the outside of these walls I sleep and live in. Hopefully good things happen and April is right around the corner as well. I hope to grow and learn and be able to live a life of minimal substance. 

but where the fuck is the matter going ? shit that is really annoying the shit out of me! ;) a story of constipation ! 

today is Palm Sunday for Christianity and day one of Passover … a holy week indeed ! and ends next Monday ! just time slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do about it!  enjoy the ride self ! I am all buckled up and ready for the ride to start! for it is the beginning of the end !

-kyle 

Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 Vaccine {1}

    The Time is: 3am, March 17, 2021

    Monday I got the first dose of the vaccine for covid-19 . So far no problems. They say dose 2 is the one that has side effects more so than the first. I can only hope. All I can think about is having genetically engineered cells being pushed into my body and start to analyze my body and work as if its an app on your phone. Will this vaccine give someone or something the power to liquidate my entire cell structure if so be it.. who knows? I eat genetically engineered foods all the time, the vaccine is just smart like a new smart tv or a new app that protects your phone from viruses the question is how much access am I giving away to the government. It would seem I am letting people and or things take over my body way to easy. Yes! I am making it easy for them. Why? I am not sure ?  Any ways, that is set in motion. I like to pretend this vaccine will fight off satanic creatures from fucking with my soul and or mind. if only it was true. It would seem i still have to fight my own biblical battles myself. 

     My mind frame lately seems as though I am living a life of a person in diapers. I've been going to bed no later than 9pm which to say the least is for babies and 80 year old people. Had some beer last night haven't drank for a week or so and I was craving some kind of liquor. The beer to say the least really didn't do any justice for me. It just makes me bloated in my stomach and I get a little giggly. woo!  

    The cat is doing well just trying to find a good food for him that is in my budget and something that he would eat and likes. Waiting on some money so I can go shopping on amazon for stuff I need. but since I have a trustee controlling my disability income I don't have enough money to go shopping.. if it wasn't for my mother who seems to get me by when I am left high and dry financial. She bought me a pack of smokes the other day boy did I have to beg like a fool on the streets dancing like a clown trying to get some money out of the crowd gathering around me. I feel so stupid . The next day I borrowed 20 dollars from my neighbors boyfriend like I said I feel like some kind of fool asking for money like some kind of retarded clown. Of course I will pay him back when I actually get some cash ..  but when? when will I leave limbo? 

    My home health care nurse has been seeing me non stop 🛑 every day it would seem like I am his meal ticket cause he won't seem to let me go. there must be some reason why he is keeping me. I truly feel like it has to do with money, but the question is, isn't money always the stem of any mental transaction? I don't trust him for some reason, there is just an underlying suspicion in the air that I don't trust. I've been taking my pills every day and I am not on much, but I am on some psych meds antidepressants, paranoia meds. With all this said I would have to say that, I am more than one person's meal ticket here... there are others who seems to reaping the benefits of my existence. Thats just it, I am just existing . I am a animal living off the land grazing off the land it would seem. 

    I've been depressed only when I am broke ass poor . A shame money is the root of all mental illnesses … such a shame. I've been staying inside more and more these days it would seem I am coming of age. Waking up in this world, wear the Devil sits on his thrown making loud noises and God and heaven is silent. The Devil makes more noise in this place than God does. but I tell you I too sin, not every day but I do sin. I am in a place where sinners go. As a homosexual male with a deep depression who sins on the weekends it would seem I am right where I need to be.. with the sinners . I'll tell you the year is 2021 and heaven is all about money ! if you got non .. you ain't going there.. thats for sure! death is always on my mind, will I be able to bite the dust? and cross over and keep my consciousness. thats the real question, will I be able to keep my consciousness? I don't think it works that way, as time ticks away.  

    I am finding as I get older its hard for me to keep on a steady track and grow with this climate that is outside of my door. ya we got good days but we got bad days too... how nice it would be to have a climate that is capable of supporting human life mentally and physically. I am not using the weather as my excuse for the wrong choices I made in my life I am just saying it would be nice to wake every day to a morning sun and temperature of 70 degrees … funny most of those climates that America has are too expansive to live in. I am thinking more so California north of L.A. 6 hours or so... these new England winters aren't the worst but yet they aren't the best. no room for growth what so ever!

    

The Friend I never had

 Today is March 4, 2021 at 4pm

    This morning I woke a few times to smoke a cigarette and then go back to bed. I found myself finally waking up at 8am which was a relief rather than waking up at 2 am and doing stupid shit on the computer.  My neighbor comes over all distraught 😩 cause she was having problems getting her script for meds.  so I helped her out and had one of friends get her some vallum to help her relax. and I myself took some too. which then put me to sleep and helped me relax a little bit. lately I've been stressed out with how people treat me these days as if I am I am some kind of enemy of the state. let  me explain it further as if most everyone in my life is are dogs and I am the cat that would be the conflict I guess dog and cat fight. Lately my neighbor has been trying to getting me meds to help me relax and enjoy myself. but she is stressful but I do my best to help her the best way I can you know. 

    I then woke up and went straight to the computer where I go on the phone with Dan and we just sit in front of our televisions and or computer and play video games or just listen to music and or what ever we do I guess .. shoot the breeze so to speak. but I am learning Dan Mitchell is two faced and holds a grudge on me for some reason as if I did him dirty. Do I really do any one dirty ? I don't sit here in my basement apartment and hold grudges on people I hate. no I am not a person to hate. you know someone said to me you know people suck . plain and simple people do suck. and here I am trusting other people into my life. Dan Mitchell is a nice guy but he holds a grudge on me and is two faced about it. which I called him out on it. trust is earned not given. hands down 100 percent true. and the thing is I have a feeling he'll fuck me over as soon as he has the chance too. like I said I am full of doubt but these feelings are true and real. so how do I actually trust someone in my life when I have so many doubts about them. 

     what ever here i sit here all alone with no one to really to connect with to become friends with who i can truly trust. is it really just a paranoid feeling , it could possibly be. the people in my life are the people who are going to be your problems.

I download Nintendo emulator to play a video game but honestly I have the worst a.d.d. it causes me to never to finish anything or even follow through on any given process. its awful. I was like that in school too. it was pretty bad too. 

Batter Take your Base!

 The Time is March 3, 2021 at 3:30am - (finished at 9 am )

Playing with the big boys and girls.

as I always do in each day and moment . I sit here trying to take into perspective why and what is happening to me? I sit here asking questions only to myself. Why is the devil after me? Why am I dealing with satanic people who are in actual belief of a satanic world. Am I really just deep in something that I can't explain? Deep in a cult, or an organized crime business? Its not what I thought it would be. 

 

 "BATTER TAKE YOUR BASE

." I hear from the landlord. He readies himself to pitch the ball. Can I really handle this; the ball, the pitch? Again thinking to myself.  Am I ready to step up to this base and take a swing. Feeling this sentence, halfway through my swing. its got to be a foul ball I think to myself but yet I haven't finished the swing yet. submerged upside down and in pre-thought.

    Time stops in mid motion. I can't help but feel as though, {AM I IN TOO DEEP!?} Deep in way; of; where, when, and how this future and past are going to play out. 

Judgement day is upon me.

 "Who is judging me?", I feel? Is it the guy down the street picking his nose and eating it? Could it be the guy standing in front of his television watching me dance like a fool in search of its identity and existence having no clue that its a show or a study.  I guess I fear the future and past as if its an unknown creature preying on me in search of a hot meal. It is; the unknown, the waters, the current, and this sentence that I am fearing the most. Things have become more and more aggressive.  

  

 Crunch time only leads with the best player of the game, coming forward and taking their stance on the field, readying themselves to kick the ball ⚽ into the goal. Doing nothing but that and not allowing their opponent to get in the way. I stand here tall and unafraid for I am that opponent. The opponent they are trying to knock down and bring into submission and defeat. 

    

That bridge we are crossing, well its not Abrahams' bridge to free the Jews. Its that bridge that is over troubled waters somewhere in the future of space and time, its a war zone, a conflict, a battle,  its dodging bullets left and right with no freedom laying at the end of this bridge … a life of solitude and possibly happiness may lay at the end. but one could only hope! and thats just it, ONE COULD ONLY HOPE! 

AND THATS JUST IT, ONE COULD ONLY HOPE!

 

  It came in and it out like a breeze, Boston has halfway houses that I could apply for as my {plan B.} I feel a little relieved and less retarded that if shit hits the fan and I am out of a living space I could always apply to gain residency at a Boston halfway house. my friend Anthony Michael has been doing this kind of thing  for the past 10 or so years after his mother died. 

BUT WHY??

Why but why? Do I write these blogs? Posting them on the computer and then uploading them to the internet. The answer came to me pretty quickly . I like editing and writing things . I like to be heard even if it is only myself. I like tapping into my brain trying to articulate these feelings of mine that seem to be retarded in a sense without any sense at all. I like hearing my own voice in my head as I read ,write, and re-write on the internet. Going back and fourth inside of me as if my words are magically knitting a sweater of creativity and passion. I live for the words not my paintbrush 🖌 but my words. I have a lot of time on my hands and here I sit, not in motion physically but mentally (metaphysical). my body isn't moving but mind is... with all this TIME ON, AND IN, MY HANDS, I just need a creative outlet. These blogs seems to carry me out with a justice of self gratitude. its a selfish justice. and its selfish of me. to think this is okay.  it has nothing to do with whats outside of my door and head. carefully weaving a web inside of my head that only leads deeper inside of myself with a losing light 🚦 flickering a code that makes no sense to me.

 

 These retarded feelings of mine needed to be heard and understood even if it is only myself stuck in thought. 

Hello March!!!

today is March 1, 2021 at 5pm 

Hello March. what treasures do you have in store for me this month? in a calming voice I remind myself that the; worse can happen and the best can happen. as of now, u have no job nor a paying healthcare plan. living on a prayer at this moment from disability government hand outs! I hope it all works out I tell myself. on the devil's list I see headed down, down where and or into? I ask . does headed down me being homeless not sure? trying my best not to make this such a biblical thing such as a "devil" and or "god" kind of thing. really don't appreciate how the people who are in my life are conscious of me. as of knowing my conscious thought seems to me to be a private kind of thing. am I headed into hell... this month. maybe I could be. all I know right now is I am sitting here right inside of my living space or apartment , having a cup of ☕ coffee . and listening to new England public media broadcast. what a tremendous amount of guilt and or doubt that is held above my head holding me tight and still I see. I hope the best for myself this month doing it myself isn't easy!