Time is Up! So What, They are conscious of you...

no is no! keep your strength! and say no! I'll finish this post when I am not falling asleep at the keyboard.

a picture of the Greek evil eye 👁‍🗨 

The Time is February 28 , 2021 at 7:10am 

 My paranoia level has been getting stronger and stronger each passing day. I am find myself tongue tied and body tied, wrapped in a snakes coil . I try not to overwhelm myself but like I said I am getting weaker and weaker as the powers to unfold me are getting stronger and stronger.  I sat here this morning with so much doubt inside of me I wanted to explode. feeling as though people and camera's are watching every move I make, if it is, even to touch myself. how could each action that I make; such as; to wash my dishes, people are conscious of. are people becoming too aware of there surroundings ? particularly me. ? feeling hopeless and like a train wreck I woke at 2 am this morning to have a very interesting conversation with my friend Angelo, he too agrees I need to pull myself together and not let this fear of paranoia control me. I explained to him I haven't been sexually active nor have I been touching myself.  anxiety and paranoia are choking me to death at this point. wrapped in a  snakes coil I am screaming underneath this body of mine. fear ,paranoia, and anxiety; the three demons that are controlling me right now.. my cat looks at me and sees the suffering and the anguish I am going through. the personal suffering that is only happening within myself never in outside world. the outside world still ticks to its beat and wouldn't miss a beat if I went missing or never woke one morning. but these are my personal demons and or struggles that I have been going through and it only seems to be getting worse and worse and I am losing .. at a stale mate. the loaded gun is pointed in my direction and there is nothing I can do but sit her and try not to make the wrong move. but yet the move has already been judged and is false and negative thus leading into my failure. check mate I hear my enemies scream across the board. the game has been lost and I lost at my own game. gay over. I think . 

    well that was a lot of negative stuff that just poured out of me at this given time. I wonder if there would be anything nice I could say about myself?

    I am a strong willed induvial who believes in love and never gives up. i try and try each day to articulate my feelings in the English language but yet I am finding my weakness is just that. feelings nothing but feelings. i am telling myself at this moment less feeling and more actions good actions that will help you along your journey. but i am too wicked to myself. so wicked to myself as if someone or something has an emotional aura over me that I can not escape. a spell. a curse . the evil eye! THE EVIL EYE 👁‍🗨?EVIL 😈. eye 👁‍🗨? 

-KYLE 

 

an Italian fish like creature blowing the Italian horn to protect itself from the evil eye...


memo to self: get a Italian horn around neck just buy it on amazon or something like that... it seems as though I might need it along my journey forward into the future for this is a war zone!

The Horse is outside waiting for you!

 Today is February 21, 2021 at 6:30am

    Morning wake up was at 4am if not sooner. Made some coffee and went on the computer as usual. Reverse Psychology is being performed at this moment on me. everything I know is and has been stated in a virtual room where nothing is up but my own mind playing tricks on me. It really blows my mind how someone can know my future better than myself. its all here for someone to see but myself I guess. How is this so, I ask? the rooster crows in the dawn of tomorrow; today. and here I sit inside of my mind right where I was left to start. but no! I can not pass go, I can not collect 200 dollars, I must sit here in prison right where I was left to start!~  but no I can not pass go , I can not collect 200 dollars, I must sit here inside my apartment living a lie having everything held up by a needle in a hay stack! the bad guy is on the phone chopping up her meat in the meat district of New York City. I sit here laying cold and motionless awaiting someone to stick a fork in me and call me delicious 😋.  I await my sentence ! I await for words from nowhere to tell me what to do!

    something is about to break! I can feel it!  I just can't get over how hurtful my words are and they are directed at me! I am destroying myself with these words I sit on! going to put a mug shot on this post . so I know I am real! 

i am a nightmare waiting to be a dream.! 

a moment of silence for Texas with all nonsense aside they got pretty f****ed up for a few weeks! lol its like one blow after another with our country and or planet!

there are 2 types of people that I deal with everyday~! people who know me. people who own me!

The Rise Before the fall.

 

    Today is: February 20, 2021 at 12pm.

        This morning I woke periodically for an hour then I went back to bed, I did this twice or so. Finally I woke at 8:30 am feeling a little confused. I just sat on my computer and listened to music and drank my coffee per usual. Finally 10am came along and I ate some some eggs and toast and threw some cheese on it to make a sandwich of some sorts. I then cleaned up the kitchen which was a quite a mess from the cat litter to the dishes and so on the list goes on. Never the less my home health care nurse comes into my apartment to give me my pills he started off with some smart ass comments that really didn't sit well with me.. so he filled my daily prescription container while I was doing the dishes … he then announced to me that I had to sign a document in regards to the health insurance and how he get payed or something like that. I didn't feel comfortable at all about it. I wanted to read it over and understand what I was signing which to my knowledge is and was a completely sane thing to do. he wasn't having any of it he got upset he got frustrated that I wouldn't sign this document blindly and allow him to have my signature. he then got into my face and about to hit me frustrated at the fact of how I felt. one thing led to another  I dried my hands and signed the computer tablet that basically says he administrated the medication today... and he would not let me hold on to the document to read and understand it and give it back to him tomorrow. so he stormed out of my apartment with one thing on his mind... MY MEAL TICKET ISN'T cooperating thus he is a mental case and belongs on the funny farm. right now I am just so emotionally exhausted from all this that I am just going to lay down and try to relax. as I am signing my life away I need to rest. 

    Well I just woke and listened to a podcast and started to draw on the computer for the most part. Just feeling drained emotionally about the entire ordeal. These feelings that are being brought to attention to only find out they are making people rich. I titled this post "The Rise before the Fall" am I just being brought to a feel of absolution only to fall and lose my apartment and my entire world that I am living in! I feel a break coming whether it be a good thing or bad thing I must of have grown too comfortable where I am. With all these words spoken only to myself, have I found my destiny yet or am I am still waiting … the world is watching me as I become a criminal of my own passions. My nurse really made me feel like they were going to lock me up in a mental institution soon. is it coming? is it my destiny ? I don't know what the future holds for me. but it seems like too many people that are in my life know more about my future better than I do!  

It's not done I am still working on it but I got to take it slow cause if I try to hurry up this digital sketch it will get ruined . I'll post the final outcome when I feel like its done.

a Reason to this madness!

 Today is: February 19, 2021 at 11am.

    My neighbor who has been hooking me up with some of her prescribed methadone twice a week. She keeps offering me some when I am really not in the mood. All I really have to say is no. But some days I don't mind getting my buzz on. I am pretty sure she is trying to put me in debt with her, so she can just decide when or what she wants to take from me because of the debt I keep building up with her. My friend said the street value of methadone is expansive. And here she is just basically hooking me up with it as if it nots a big deal. I just don't want to build a debt with her so she can come into my apartment and start telling me how and what she wants from me. I guess thats the business she is running if you think about it. She isn't no dummy thats whats the streets are all about. Its every where you go as an adult. I said to myself ya I just want to feel good you know. But it seems like I am moving up on the game level that I am not accustomed to. Its all a game and so is money 💵 and its sad to see people waste there lives away but you know I am adult and I for sure as hell is no angel. Darkness and crime and lies and cheats all to get advanced to the top. its part of the game as an adult. We on planet Earth good and evil live coexisting side by side .. its all about balance . My goal for the future is to get off the juice and start living my life more with Jesus. That is a goal of mine and I hope some day I accomplish it. Who knows what the unknown/darkness brings. All I have to say is, "Its a dangerous world out there and the game has definitely changed! Hopefully I will be able to adapt!"

-Kyle

wine 'o'clock

 

a struggle is never seen but felt!

    Totally having some wine and listening to a podcast.

Self Righteous!

 

a sketch I did on my Wacom tablet and Pen!

The wolves are hungry. I hate how people have it all figured out before I even arrive to my destination. 

Momma the sky is Falling!!~~~

 Put a fork in me I am done! Looking for my second wind to at least take me to 10pm tonight! #sloppyjoes 2 tea candles and frankincense to get my second wind to carry me to 10PM !

so I got some carbonated drinks that had caffeine in it and now I am drinking some green tea that as well has caffeine in it. I am just so fed up with people acting like the sky is falling and we are in the middle of brain surgery! did you ever get to the point where you are saying to yourself "ENOUG IS ENOUGH" I mean come on! I sit here inside my efficiency apartment that isn't that big but its just right for what i need it for. nevertheless i am finding out every time I call my mother she has this somber voice tone in her voice that makes you feel like someone died and we are at a funeral! i seriously felt like just telling her to get the fuck over herself cause I had too to. I have this image of the people in the world eating toothpaste cause they are so mentally fucked in the head . NO the sky isn't falling its hypothetical and on a personal level. and no we aren't at a funeral so GO FUCK YOURSELF! IS WHAT i am saying to the world right now!

any ways I am making some sweet Italian sausages I put them in water and threw them in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour and 20 minutes.. maybe I'll post a picture if I decide ! too!