Crushed Oranges

 The Time is 11pm; Thursday, January 28, 2021. I can't help but feel like I am barely holding onto life. I find myself on so many pills and today I headed to bed at 6 p.m. The time turned into 10 pm extremely slow,  I couldn't for the life of me stay in my bed any longer. I literally feel like I've been hit by a moving train at high speeds. I keep saying to myself that I must be on life support or some thing of that nature. The Secret word for tonight is " Life Support" I ask is my: first self, some where in a hospital bed attached to all these machines keeping my body from becoming a comatose dead guy. Then there is my: second self, some where in between 2 worlds living my so called life that I think is normal. Normal, what is a normal life I ask? My mind seems to be escaping to a more dangerous and darker places each time I fall sleep. I am asking my self right now, " DO I FEEL SAFE"?  NO!  I don't feel safe but the only thing keeping me from starting to panic and start loosing my shit all together is the medication I am on. more and more I am feeling like a zombie. as I know and I am not sure you knew but I have a home health care nurse who sees me once a day to set me up and give me my pills for the day... so we were talking and I said something in this nature " its my body I can't do what I want with it" he quickly shot me down and said no its the governments' body. So apparently this body of mine seems to be owned and property of someone who I don't know. I would bet so much money that higher ups are doing experiments on me, sick and twisted experiments … and the sad thing about it is I have little say at all about what goes on with my body. An empty shell with no soul I believe some man of some wealth seized and captured my soul. Sitting here with the just the mechanics of what makes me be a machine at this point. Am I in pain? very much so ! the pain has been subdued from what i think is the medication cloud I am on. Only to subdue so the dragon won't break out and terrorize the town with fire and death. Lastly I have never seen so many warning signs before that my: mind, body, and soul have been giving off and tis this date I am being brainwashed to ignore these signs. God bless the weak and the strong for they do not know the power they hold in their words! 

Excuse me... Can I enjoy my Day, Down Memory Lane!

 The time is:  8:30am, Sunday, January 24, 2021 … its 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside. Currently inside my basement apartment on my laptop using the broadband internet by Xfinity to live my LIE. Made a post this morning on Facebook called, "SUNDAY FUN DAY"  is say, lets keep it that way, as I surely am misunderstand the meaning of life from my pity party inside my head. 

Whose Next? You Fucking CUNT!

 Death is a big industry where I am from. getting myself through the pandemic and watching people I know get sick and die. I am asking in my head whose next! Me? My parents? someone close? will I have to say good bye or will I have to be the good bye . You know people who wear shirts or have signs that say, " life is good" how it any train of thought do you think life is good when its so fucking hard! to even sit here and tell me that I able to live a normal life is complete bull shit on your part. Death … death … that's all we see on the news on the television and honestly I am sick and tired of being afraid living in this fear that is clearly controlled by someone who I can identify with. will death bring me back to god … is it really the end … it is very unclear and misunderstood but I sit here six feet under ground in which I had to dig my own grave and now I just wait for someone to pull the plug so to speak. they threw me into a comma so they could control my own actions.. this fight is about control! control of the unknown ! control over the next weather report. this fight is about acting and my actions that never seem to be true.  a false sense of nature was given to us only to find out you are the bad guy. this fight is about all the people who are silenced under the pretenses of pain and anguish. the pot is boiling for me over here  and all I can do is sit here and play stupid and watch you kill another person.  a dangerous game is being played in front of us all... and it doesn't end well. 

-Kyle 

Electric Avenue

 Take me to electric Avenue . Today is January 19, 2021 at 5pm eastern standard time. 

Today I woke in anger just irritated and angry at the voices that keep consuming me and or following me. I find myself saying in my head "leave me be specter!" but it doesn't seem to help at all.  I quickly moved myself into motion and walked 1.3 miles to my parents house where I had a cup of pudding and then borrowed my moms' car to go cash my spending check I get for smokes. cashed it all right with no complications and I quickly moved into Springfield Mass to get a cheap carton of double diamonds which to say the least are smokes I only smoke when I can't afford 12 dollar smokes. Payed off some of my debt with my neighbor and then scurried home. My mom drove me back to my apartment and got things organized and turned on Sirius xm and connected myself to my friend Daniel Mitchell on the phone. and played the sims4 game. on my laptop . took my adavan (benzo pill) some where in between all this to settle me down and relax me .. I am and was very tense and agitated it helped for the most part. after all was said and done I took a shower and when I got out I poured a glass of wine. which now I am drinking it and editing my blog at the current moment. 

so today is same old same old day.  still going strong with so many variables and unnecessary habits . but maybe some day I will be able to find my true self and be happy and not be stopped by this mental illness that plagues me! I ask, "is this really a mental illness"  or is it just some stupid authority control action designed by the government to control me. the sad part about it is, I haven't have a faint clue of whats really going on!

No Pain No game!

Woke up in so much pain this morning. It seems to be every morning I have to resurrect myself from my bed. Awake myself from the void of a dark abyss. so many voices in my head pull me in all different directions. feeling like "I am not alone." feeling like "its all my fault" . Feeling Like " its not easy nor will it ever be." to just exist and raise yourself from the bed seems as if this chore and or deed can be avoided. Why I ask do I sit here staring at a computer screen sifting through my every day feelings. I ask? Am I holding on and grasping on to tight?  to the way I think I should be? Should I let go? should I just sit here and let the voices consume me. and let me tell you as I will be 36 in May, the voices are consuming me very slowly. The way I think I should exist is not real just a pre-thought of my reality. Last night I was so burned out by my own mind that I started to see some shadows in the corner of my vision. I feel this and all this is going to just be getting worse as time slips by. I posted on Facebook that I am so far up my ass that its not even funny any more.... and that's where I am, SO FAR UP MY ASS!  Now that I got these words out of my mind I feel a little better.. as if I can communicate to someone who understands me when really its just me myself and I at this moment. 

The time is January 17, 2021, 8 am in the morning. my coffee is poured and I am sitting here listening to Sirius xm on my head phones. I ask with all these questions waiting to jump to the front of my mind in a split second. where do I go from here? doi just sit in idle; awaiting my predetermined destiny. that's it; my predetermined destiny that we all have written within the skies of our own minds. 

We all got a cloud!

The time is January 16, 2021 at 6:20p.m. Listening to SiriusXM, channel discovery a private channel. Also I am on Google Duo with my friend Daniel Mitchell. I woke today with an inspiration to write and actually I've been getting my words out on Facebook post. It seems to get the job done but I find it serves no justice nor does it feel good to have these post echo through out my head. It has been a very long time since I posted onto this google blogger site. I put a lot of stuff onto some other blog a while back I haven't seen it for while. Any ways, here I am updating my blog and just trying to get some new things on this site. Its weird having to use html coding I haven't use html coding since like 20 years ago. How time flies such a shame this will never happen again in my existence. A lot has changed some for the better some for the worse but lately I've been coasting to my destination on fumes.  

I got a new male cat his name is Jasper, had him since he was 7 weeks old. Safely to say he is a tamed kitten.  All grown up. boy did he grow up fast. everything is all butter right now! I'll explain later about that statement. Covid19 has hit America and my current living state. The picture is of me wearing a mask cause its the new norm now... and we all  are moving forward with this new norm. I feel like food industry will always now have to wear a face mask even after the infection is over with. not sure when my vaccine will be available I'll have to wait. 

I am fearing death more and more each day. I sleep in a state of a; comatose void of Darkness. Its not pleasant at all. Death is all I think about now is this my norm? ya probably! its a state of mind I guess. Feeling lately like a cow that has be milked each day by the internet and or electronics. Its matter of perspective I guess... that was the name of my last blog on here … some of the things that came through me that I typed out are actually out of this world.  Keeping my mouth or this case my fingers shut up is a difficult thing. 

Smoking a lot of cigarettes' lately I find myself struggling to find money to afford them. its my addiction. speaking of addictions my drug usage is as follows. I take my pills that the doctor prescribes for me in which the state pays  for all of the fees. 6 mg of melatonin at bed/ 4 mg of risperidone for one day/ 300mg of Wellbutrin  a day/ a lot of allergies  medications and antihistamines/  two .01 mg of clonidine at bed/ maybe some more not sure.   I have been doing methadone twice a week to help with pain management. but that is on my own terms . no doctor prescribes them for me .. which to say the least is a bad habit but I only picked up this habit when covid hit. not sure if I can walk away from this habit or not. I haven't tried. I'll cross that bridge when I have to. some times bridges aren't always enjoyable they can take you to good of bad places it depends whats at the end of the road.  I haven't been drinking liquor as much as I use to. maybe 2 to 4 beers or glasses of wine around bed time I just find with my meds liquor makes me hungry after I am done drinking. not to mention my coffee addictions too! if i ever have to be hospitalized it wont' be a pretty sight going through all these withdrawals.  but for now I am sailing away... meaning my body is still alive! should it not be?

I am currently living in an apartment on a bus route in Agawam Mass.  2016 I moved in. 2019 I got accepted to section 8 program  and then covid hit and now i am here just hoping i don't get kicked out on the street cause its a dangerous time to be out on the streets not to mention we aint in no tropical climate ! its cold as shit here I shouldn't complain we haven't been getting much snow at all these past few years.  well i hope it all works out for me i guess ... the struggle is real ! never have i ever second guessed that statement.

there is so much more to say.. but for now i am ready to publish it! until next time!