Time is Up! So What, They are conscious of you...

no is no! keep your strength! and say no! I'll finish this post when I am not falling asleep at the keyboard.

a picture of the Greek evil eye 👁‍🗨 

The Time is February 28 , 2021 at 7:10am 

 My paranoia level has been getting stronger and stronger each passing day. I am find myself tongue tied and body tied, wrapped in a snakes coil . I try not to overwhelm myself but like I said I am getting weaker and weaker as the powers to unfold me are getting stronger and stronger.  I sat here this morning with so much doubt inside of me I wanted to explode. feeling as though people and camera's are watching every move I make, if it is, even to touch myself. how could each action that I make; such as; to wash my dishes, people are conscious of. are people becoming too aware of there surroundings ? particularly me. ? feeling hopeless and like a train wreck I woke at 2 am this morning to have a very interesting conversation with my friend Angelo, he too agrees I need to pull myself together and not let this fear of paranoia control me. I explained to him I haven't been sexually active nor have I been touching myself.  anxiety and paranoia are choking me to death at this point. wrapped in a  snakes coil I am screaming underneath this body of mine. fear ,paranoia, and anxiety; the three demons that are controlling me right now.. my cat looks at me and sees the suffering and the anguish I am going through. the personal suffering that is only happening within myself never in outside world. the outside world still ticks to its beat and wouldn't miss a beat if I went missing or never woke one morning. but these are my personal demons and or struggles that I have been going through and it only seems to be getting worse and worse and I am losing .. at a stale mate. the loaded gun is pointed in my direction and there is nothing I can do but sit her and try not to make the wrong move. but yet the move has already been judged and is false and negative thus leading into my failure. check mate I hear my enemies scream across the board. the game has been lost and I lost at my own game. gay over. I think . 

    well that was a lot of negative stuff that just poured out of me at this given time. I wonder if there would be anything nice I could say about myself?

    I am a strong willed induvial who believes in love and never gives up. i try and try each day to articulate my feelings in the English language but yet I am finding my weakness is just that. feelings nothing but feelings. i am telling myself at this moment less feeling and more actions good actions that will help you along your journey. but i am too wicked to myself. so wicked to myself as if someone or something has an emotional aura over me that I can not escape. a spell. a curse . the evil eye! THE EVIL EYE 👁‍🗨?EVIL 😈. eye 👁‍🗨? 

-KYLE 

 

an Italian fish like creature blowing the Italian horn to protect itself from the evil eye...


memo to self: get a Italian horn around neck just buy it on amazon or something like that... it seems as though I might need it along my journey forward into the future for this is a war zone!

The Horse is outside waiting for you!

 Today is February 21, 2021 at 6:30am

    Morning wake up was at 4am if not sooner. Made some coffee and went on the computer as usual. Reverse Psychology is being performed at this moment on me. everything I know is and has been stated in a virtual room where nothing is up but my own mind playing tricks on me. It really blows my mind how someone can know my future better than myself. its all here for someone to see but myself I guess. How is this so, I ask? the rooster crows in the dawn of tomorrow; today. and here I sit inside of my mind right where I was left to start. but no! I can not pass go, I can not collect 200 dollars, I must sit here in prison right where I was left to start!~  but no I can not pass go , I can not collect 200 dollars, I must sit here inside my apartment living a lie having everything held up by a needle in a hay stack! the bad guy is on the phone chopping up her meat in the meat district of New York City. I sit here laying cold and motionless awaiting someone to stick a fork in me and call me delicious 😋.  I await my sentence ! I await for words from nowhere to tell me what to do!

    something is about to break! I can feel it!  I just can't get over how hurtful my words are and they are directed at me! I am destroying myself with these words I sit on! going to put a mug shot on this post . so I know I am real! 

i am a nightmare waiting to be a dream.! 

a moment of silence for Texas with all nonsense aside they got pretty f****ed up for a few weeks! lol its like one blow after another with our country and or planet!

there are 2 types of people that I deal with everyday~! people who know me. people who own me!

The Rise Before the fall.

 

    Today is: February 20, 2021 at 12pm.

        This morning I woke periodically for an hour then I went back to bed, I did this twice or so. Finally I woke at 8:30 am feeling a little confused. I just sat on my computer and listened to music and drank my coffee per usual. Finally 10am came along and I ate some some eggs and toast and threw some cheese on it to make a sandwich of some sorts. I then cleaned up the kitchen which was a quite a mess from the cat litter to the dishes and so on the list goes on. Never the less my home health care nurse comes into my apartment to give me my pills he started off with some smart ass comments that really didn't sit well with me.. so he filled my daily prescription container while I was doing the dishes … he then announced to me that I had to sign a document in regards to the health insurance and how he get payed or something like that. I didn't feel comfortable at all about it. I wanted to read it over and understand what I was signing which to my knowledge is and was a completely sane thing to do. he wasn't having any of it he got upset he got frustrated that I wouldn't sign this document blindly and allow him to have my signature. he then got into my face and about to hit me frustrated at the fact of how I felt. one thing led to another  I dried my hands and signed the computer tablet that basically says he administrated the medication today... and he would not let me hold on to the document to read and understand it and give it back to him tomorrow. so he stormed out of my apartment with one thing on his mind... MY MEAL TICKET ISN'T cooperating thus he is a mental case and belongs on the funny farm. right now I am just so emotionally exhausted from all this that I am just going to lay down and try to relax. as I am signing my life away I need to rest. 

    Well I just woke and listened to a podcast and started to draw on the computer for the most part. Just feeling drained emotionally about the entire ordeal. These feelings that are being brought to attention to only find out they are making people rich. I titled this post "The Rise before the Fall" am I just being brought to a feel of absolution only to fall and lose my apartment and my entire world that I am living in! I feel a break coming whether it be a good thing or bad thing I must of have grown too comfortable where I am. With all these words spoken only to myself, have I found my destiny yet or am I am still waiting … the world is watching me as I become a criminal of my own passions. My nurse really made me feel like they were going to lock me up in a mental institution soon. is it coming? is it my destiny ? I don't know what the future holds for me. but it seems like too many people that are in my life know more about my future better than I do!  

It's not done I am still working on it but I got to take it slow cause if I try to hurry up this digital sketch it will get ruined . I'll post the final outcome when I feel like its done.

a Reason to this madness!

 Today is: February 19, 2021 at 11am.

    My neighbor who has been hooking me up with some of her prescribed methadone twice a week. She keeps offering me some when I am really not in the mood. All I really have to say is no. But some days I don't mind getting my buzz on. I am pretty sure she is trying to put me in debt with her, so she can just decide when or what she wants to take from me because of the debt I keep building up with her. My friend said the street value of methadone is expansive. And here she is just basically hooking me up with it as if it nots a big deal. I just don't want to build a debt with her so she can come into my apartment and start telling me how and what she wants from me. I guess thats the business she is running if you think about it. She isn't no dummy thats whats the streets are all about. Its every where you go as an adult. I said to myself ya I just want to feel good you know. But it seems like I am moving up on the game level that I am not accustomed to. Its all a game and so is money 💵 and its sad to see people waste there lives away but you know I am adult and I for sure as hell is no angel. Darkness and crime and lies and cheats all to get advanced to the top. its part of the game as an adult. We on planet Earth good and evil live coexisting side by side .. its all about balance . My goal for the future is to get off the juice and start living my life more with Jesus. That is a goal of mine and I hope some day I accomplish it. Who knows what the unknown/darkness brings. All I have to say is, "Its a dangerous world out there and the game has definitely changed! Hopefully I will be able to adapt!"

-Kyle

wine 'o'clock

 

a struggle is never seen but felt!

    Totally having some wine and listening to a podcast.

Self Righteous!

 

a sketch I did on my Wacom tablet and Pen!

The wolves are hungry. I hate how people have it all figured out before I even arrive to my destination. 

Momma the sky is Falling!!~~~

 Put a fork in me I am done! Looking for my second wind to at least take me to 10pm tonight! #sloppyjoes 2 tea candles and frankincense to get my second wind to carry me to 10PM !

so I got some carbonated drinks that had caffeine in it and now I am drinking some green tea that as well has caffeine in it. I am just so fed up with people acting like the sky is falling and we are in the middle of brain surgery! did you ever get to the point where you are saying to yourself "ENOUG IS ENOUGH" I mean come on! I sit here inside my efficiency apartment that isn't that big but its just right for what i need it for. nevertheless i am finding out every time I call my mother she has this somber voice tone in her voice that makes you feel like someone died and we are at a funeral! i seriously felt like just telling her to get the fuck over herself cause I had too to. I have this image of the people in the world eating toothpaste cause they are so mentally fucked in the head . NO the sky isn't falling its hypothetical and on a personal level. and no we aren't at a funeral so GO FUCK YOURSELF! IS WHAT i am saying to the world right now!

any ways I am making some sweet Italian sausages I put them in water and threw them in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour and 20 minutes.. maybe I'll post a picture if I decide ! too!

Nuts are Cheaters!

 

Today is: February 17, 2021 at 7:30am 

    Today I found my cat playing with the curtains to purposely wake me up at around 5 am if not sooner. I ended up feeding him at 5:30 am . Which to say his feeding time is 6am and 6pm but I guess I am his servant. 

    I just upgraded my smart speaker to an Alexa echo with a clock on it. I gave the google smart speaker to my neighbor she loves it, I am glad she is happy. what ever , yesterday I had to accompany her to the eye doctors to see what can and will be done with her left eye cataract. she was fine she just didn't want to go alone. she has another appointment to talk to the surgeon where i am assuming he will set up a surgery date. I'll go with her when she has the date for the surgery but not for the dr. office talks... I don't think its necessary.

    I have been smoke more than a pack of smokes a day why cause I can afford them in the past I could never afford smokes at full price I was smoking double diamonds which were 2 dollars a pack and boy did they taste like death and puke. but now I am glad I am smoking Marlboros. boy do I love my smokes I love everything about it … its my sweet escape I guess … but its also an addiction that I am starting to lose control over. I still have a little control left but I for see a darker future ahead if this continues. 

    The past month I have been buying stuff on amazon.com to just order stuff I need. its so addicting I love ordering stuff online. I spent 25 dollars on an Amazon gift card worth 25 dollars and bought the month subscription called amazon prime. now I have to figure out how I am going to pay for next months subscription. a struggling puzzle to me when it comes to my money situation. I feel as though i am a 15 year old living with all the adults and money just grows on trees that can be plucked.

    My friend Dan and Adam who I call on a daily basis just got their fuel assistance which puts 725 dollars in their pockets. they were pretty excited Dan went out and bought a ps4 and some games. he is a super gamer that just thinks the whole world is a game. which at some parts it just might be but at some point 40 year old man needs to grow up. but thats between him and himself. 

    My mother cooked a turkey dinner Sunday or Saturday late after noon I can't remember the day she made it... my brother came over with his son and his wife.. as my mom was baby sitting Luca who is my nephew and or my brothers' son. Luca is really cute and I am sure he is going to have a good mom and dad and be good hands. sadly I was appointed to be his godfather … my brother thinks I white trash and don't deserve any respect and or responsibility; other words he didn't think I could live up to the responsibility. I am little sad about it but I guess now I don't have to get presents all the time for the little dude. My sister Erin who lives in North Carolina never calls me she calls everyone else but never has she ever called me and just talk about life and asked how my life is going... she doesn't care and I am beginning to think she is turned off by how I made my choice of lifestyle I guess.. I just don't understand why my family and friends but mostly my family just except me for who I am . even though I am that person who smokes cigarettes and doesn't have a life they approve of and also I am on welfare. i keep telling myself they don't like me cause I turned out to be a welfare rat that lives in the sewers. 

    On a lighter note I have connected my sketch pad to the computer and have been trying to draw things. I attached some to my post … its not the greatest work but hey if it makes me happy I guess thats all that matters. I like to my laptop and its my toy that I practically live on almost all the day. 

    well today is another dollar and another day. what should I do? 

-kyle 

Pee and shit!

 

I live in a medium to large size studio efficiency. In consideration to all the liquids that I process through out my body and let me tell you I always need to be drinking something if so be coffee/water/wine etc. I have been using this rule for my toilet; "If its yellow. let it mellow. If its brown flush it down! some guy that I lived with for a few months in Northampton taught me this rule of thumb. Let me emphasize I use the toilet to pee a lot almost more than usual so this rule is in effect to make my carbon foot print just a little bit smaller!

    I feel bad for my cat these days when I am busy on the computer doing my thing and usually not paying any attention to him I feel like he is neglected … I pretty sure this isn't the case but I am not sure how to entertain him... I can't hold him like a baby or put mickey mouse on the television for him. He has everything he needs if not more than normal... i treat him like a king .... and yet i feel so guilty that he is not entertained ! o gosh the struggle is real!

This is Me!

 The time is: February 15, 2021 Presidents Day) at 7pm.

The Mountains are calling!

The other day I took my art sketch pad that connects to my computer by USB. Last evening I sketched up this sketch just fiddling with the tools that are available and how they are used and this was the outcome. I want to do more of this I want to be more proactive in this nature. I feel like its such a struggle these days. so many variables holding me back in the shadows. so many dark natures beholding my soul into the darkness. 

my advise for anyone who is a human living in America. DO NOT LET FEAR WIN! I keep telling myself stop being scared and start acting! If someone wants you to fear them.. that someone is not your authority! they are a bully !

Kyle D. Sullivan

The Lunar New Year~2021~Valentine day kidneys~

 The Time is: February 14, 2021 at 4:45pm

Happy Lunar New Year

    Lately I've been getting buzzed off my #coffee / #drugs and doing all things electronic devices and exploration on these magnificent connections that are created through the power of electricity; Christopher Columbus has nothing on me! NEVERTHELESS the Lunar New Year weekend is coming to an end an I hope every ones new Year is filled with nothing but love and motion! once you stop you give up; you stop moving; and you die! Keep the engine going! These words are coming from someone who thinks death DOES NOT BRING US BACK TO GOD! {BUT TO EACH ITS OWN!} belief is a powerful cord that can be plucked and it hits everyone differently!

Money? What does that have to do with our friendship?

 

As and adult who is sadly resembling a 15 year old I sit here living off a disability check from the government. In which I also receive food stamps to pay for my the food I eat. I ask? " am I capable of actually earning my own money and capable of being able to survive and keep my head above water." NO I don't think I am capable of doing it on my own. If so I have to be rehabilitated to be back into the working class system. What employer would hire me? I ask? I think I have a status of that of a foreign Mexican worker, working towards my own citizenship which is far from the truth. as I  know, and know well, I have a non-profit MHA - mental health association controlling my monthly income and also the checking account that money goes into. They are the ones who oversees the fixed monthly income and distributes it to me when I am in need or when they think it's deserved. from my knowledge I was informed the government, has been sending money to every citizen high and or low that has an attached checking account on file through tax returns or also inside the SSI systems.. so I went ahead and requested the 600 dollars from my Payee who I explained that I know for sure the money was deposited into my controlled checking account . The people who I talk to /call / communicate/ and or socialize with them . them too have Payees for their disability checks and they are somewhat not allowed to receive there stimulus checks yet. why only because every case is different.  and the reason I am bringing this up is. why is it on me? like somehow since I got my check they too have a right to get theirs as well... first off I am from a different agency and EVERY DISABILITY CASE IS DIFFERENT THUS  reasoning behind when how and where they get there money... I just feel guilty that I got my stimulus money and they didn't … and I am mad at myself for even feeling slightly guilty about it. FUCK THEM. funny how jailbirds can nark someone out so fast to only better themselves .. and that's exactly what it is.. jailhouse birds... and I was never one before, but of course they turned me into one of them... I got a note in the mail by the people of the welfare system and it stated, "JOIN US" …. ALL this is metaphorically speaking buts boy is it true. GOD BLESS AND GOD SPEED! don't give up "self"

-kyle 

Another Snow day. Another day in this prison.

 The time is: February 9, 2021 at 4:20pm. 

    My sleeping pattern was so eradicated the point where I find myself falling asleep every 3 hours and waking and making coffee or tea every time. I believe this is the 5 time today i made coffee i changed things up and brewed some black tea instead this time around. This past week we have been getting a snow forecast almost every day. My mental stability is dwindling on hope and luck at this point. 

    My cat Jasper doesn't seem to mind one bit only because he is a domesticated feline. This lifestyle of being in  pajamas all day is driving me mad! I guess i just prey someone comes to my rescue and takes me far away from this place and makes everyday a beautiful one. No need really to shovel out only because i rent and it's the landlord responsibility. Nothing to fucking to do. I sat here made some tea cleaned up the apartment a little and then i decided i had to keep myself in motion ... I NEED MOTIVATION SO BAD! right now! something to churn my butter so to speak. but nothing nothing but a stale plate of crackers sit in front of me collecting dust. I am screaming so deep inside of myself right now! screaming for resolution.  enough i am saying to myself right now stop this pity party that seems only to collect the birds outside to judge you from another mistake. My cat jasper is doing well he is so spoiled i feed him twice a day once at 6 am and once at 6pm and then he has available dry food at all times. My apartment is pretty set up in respects to the fact that i have the newest Alexa , a Computer that i seem to spend most of my time on. I decorated nicely too i don't live in a complete shit box. nevertheless i seem to have the winter blues boiling through my veins . I noticed i have been smoking a lot of marlboro cigarettes when i don't even need them that much. boy are they expensive way too expensive for my taste. going for 11.50$ a pack is almost a leg and an arm and in this case a lung too. I have a pet beta fish who seems to be doing well in his tank. i do usually water changes which help balance our the ph levels and what not . but fish are so boring .. i need a dog so i can take it for a walk every 3 hours. 

    complete bonquers  about the covid joke that happened with donald trump in office then as soon as he left we seem to be awakening again as a community now that biden is in office this time around. not sure if if it was real or not but at this point it made and makes no sense at all. covid my ass.. what a joke.

    now it's onto the real factor of this equation what am i doing here and how did i get here! how i managed to avoid coivd-19 is beyond me at this point. There are a few video games i can play or have been playing but that too is getting really boring in itself too. why o why do i sit here pondering this ugly ugly thing called life that was given to me! Library are closed to due to covid as well.. they just started to open up again. i guess i could take walks to participate in the community advents. 

    Listening to some music in the background right now i can't make up my mind what music i like. i seemed to fall between pop rock 2k if not earlier in time .  

any ways i am going to try to keep busy and not let my mind turn to paste so soon right now!!!

Aliens and Pissing in my bed.

 The time is: Friday February 5, at 7 am . just seconds or minutes before i woke from my sleep my body is somewhere else in another bed where i am pissing and shitting the bed. This is all happening somewhere else and then i wake to find i too need to use the bathroom in which i do. but i ask what about my other body of mine somewhere inside a dream where i am pissing out this worlds fluids. i truly believe aliens are work and it has a lot to do with me sleeping and or physical behaviors. do i believe in aliens NO! NO I DON'T! ... AND IF THEY THINK THEY EXIST THEY ARE LIVING A LIE! AND SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES!  secondly to take away my human rights to even life a normal life is beyond irreplaceable . so here i am in this world where i am typing out this blog in and i don't pee the bed but yet there is another world where i am connected to another body that is still sleeping and having this world be its dream. i pee in the other world! in the other world's bed. by far this makes no sense to even me but with all that has been going on with me and everyone else in this world I AM NOT SHOCKED!

To Bare Arms!

 The time is: February 4, 2021 at 7:15am . I would like just to talk to about how some of my friends or should they even earn the title of friendship is a riddle to me. Well to sum it up, on a daily basis i phone Daniel Mitchell and his brother who lives in a connecting apartment Adam Bailey. They are all about the way of the pussy. To this day i sit here alone in my apartment and the only person who i really phone on a daily basis besides my mom is these guys. The big question is; are they good for me? should i trust them? Or even believe them is a trust in self that can be broken very easily.  But the conversation i was having with adam and his best friend bryan last night was a conversation mostly edging the way of a "proud boy" life style and or belief. my beliefs are so different then theirs. but i ask why do i call them every day on the phone when really they will not protect me , love me, and or even offer a trust that i can go home with.  A feeling so creepy has me in puzzle pieces wondering if they are only trying to see my down fall. Where i really need to begin is: who am I ? and what are my beliefs. 

    Well for most of my life I lived a homosexual lifestyle and believe in a world where trust and love is not given but earned! I woke 5 times last night and was having difficulty seeing out of my eyes. i sat there constantly focusing my eyeball so i could see! These friends of mine work in the shadows and understand the struggle of what it is to get somewhere in the position where they stand and maybe i stand myself. but do i trust them! Almost 85% of my feelings say not to trust. and i sit here typing it out.. ya i see them as some sort of proud boy where him and his people would storm the capital only to promote and extend their ruling of their so called cult. I am in puzzle pieces trying to figure out if i did them dirty or they are the ones doing me dirty. I really can't stand anyone who sits there on there thrown and makes people feel like they owe them something and how dirty they did them. As i take a moment to look into the mirror and see myself : do i possess the ability to fuck a women and or her vagina? NO I DON'T ! DO I HAVE THE ABILITY TO HURT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING? NO I DON'T !  do i bare arms with a gun? no i don't! all these things i don't possess the ability to do and all these things  are all the things these guys that i am talking to on the phone with every day stand for.

    A certain revaluation is in order here! with me myself and I... and the people who seem to have me on there speed dial! and or I have them on my speed dial! I am going to take time in this blog to realize what i stand for and what the people who are on my speed dial stand for as well.

    To have the ability to trust someone even though they are bad to you says alot about how desperate i have become.

    Will there be order inside of my head today? or am i just barking up the wrong tree here! so many doubts and honestly that's exactly what this is about "my doubts" and having them be real and or forcing myself to ignore the truth! the very truth that stands so highly inside of my vision but i go to all extensions to ignore the facts and or allow someone to tell me what i should believe! 

Today is a day I will find my voice, my friends, and my enemies ! GOD BLESS!

-KYLE  

A Picture is worth a thousand words!

 

The time is: Tuesdays February 2, 2021, at 6pm. Mostly things have been pretty quiet 🤫 . Sleeping too much these days. It is in the middle of winter and I have no means of transportations but the public bus. Which to mention I should start using it more it often. I need more structure in my days, going from bed to computer desk to say the least isn't a strenuous effort on my part.Yesterday in Southern New England we got a nor'easter which dumped 12 inches of snow 🌨, a lot of people had to dig themselves out all day today, I myself didn't do shit nothing to dig myself out of, usually the Landlord takes care of snow removal any how. Ever since I stopped the use of Prozac I noticed I don't drink as much. Is it a good thing? I ask? who knows? not me i guess? Clueless against the rules of the world that I am living in. Just moving along here and trying to keep myself in as much motion as possible even if it is only mental rather than physical so be it. That's a really good point I just made: staying in motion is the only medicine I need right now! STAY THE FUCK IN MOTION SELF!  please don't stop ! keep going I am screaming to myself in this blog. there are so many opposing forces wanting me to freeze into stone and become a statue but i will not have it! Ya ever since college I have always seemed to be more of mental case rather than a physical case. it's all in my head somewhere obeying by its own rules inside of my head. the Weather report says more snow is on the way in the next 5 days... it should be interesting how the weather forecast plays outs here in southern new england. More and more people are becoming elders; and or elderly people who wish with all there might that this weather just goes away and turns into some tropical environment. Boy a summer's eve night does sound good right now! I would just melt inside of my constipated gut and be free to fly! that is if the weather was warm and sandals weather was actually present. I am always a believer that u can't have a rainbow without a rain storm. With this cold weather and or snowy conditions  it will surely ensure a warm and delicious summer that we have from May to September. I am no fortune teller I am telling myself and just wish I would stop seeping deep into myself only to look for riddles of the future and or predictions. 

A thanksgiving bird died and its body made for delicious turkey soup. My mom made this a while back when the bird was still good and then she froze her soup and eventually it fell into my hands somewhere in the middle of winter! i took this picture about a week ago . boy was the soup just what i needed! and i am thinking once i am done with my coffee here i am going to have a progresso soup to warm me up on this cold winter's  night!